Reproduced from The Herald Sun
Saucy speech on train out of line
Liam Houlihan
12jan06
MELBOURNE'S train temptress has struck again.
However police and rail officials have met to plan an end to her saucy crime spree.
The woman broke into a cabin on a peak-hour Frankston train on Tuesday night and broadcast X-rated praise of the driver to stunned commuters.
The husky-voiced intruder is believed to be the serial seductress behind a similar break-in and announcement on the Sandringham line last week.
The trespasser evaded capture by authorities on both occasions.
As her break-in broadcasts become more frequent, longer and more detailed, pressure is building for Connex to catch the profane prankster before more commuters are subject to her sexy speeches.
"There was a woman on the address system. It was very graphic about how she was going to have sex with a driver for about three minutes," said Angela, a passenger on the Frankston-bound train. "I thought she was in cahoots with the driver."
Angela said there were families on board unhappy their children were exposed to the content.
Passengers on the trains during both incidents believed the woman was in the cabin with the driver or was a voice on a 1900 sex call.
The broadcasts are now thought to be the work of a lone female hijacking the PA system in vacant train cabins. Police are scanning CCTV footage from stations to identify her.
Ticket inspectors have been briefed to be on the lookout for the woman.
"When the train comes to a stop at a station it is easy for them to slip out of the cab and merge with other passengers," said Connex spokesman Andrew Cassidy said.
Connex yesterday discussed the incidents with Transit Safety Division officers.
Connex has said some people are aware of a weakness that allows them to force their way into vacant cabins and hijack the PA. They said the flaw would be fixed this year.
I can't begin to tell you how much I wished this sort of thing went on when I was stuck taking the bloody train back in the bad old days. Train rides are after boring, smelly and occasionally dangerous affairs which need some lightening up. Of course sitting there with a hard-on has it's own problems, namely, how the hell do you track the lady down and give her your phone number without looking like a dirty perv?
If I was connex I'd hire her for the late night routes (heh, heh, double entendre!) to give the travelers a pleasing and stimulating diversion....or not, I just had images of the trench coat brigade traveling all night leaving sticky finger prints all over the place. Urrgh, yeah scratch that! Still, I hope she gets away with it and finds a nice position with a phone sex company where her skills can be properly remunerated.
Catch you later...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Monday, January 02, 2006
Happy New Year
Happy New Years guys, I'm amazed I'm still writing. I promise to perhaps deliver more or the same, if I can be bothered, and do it in a way pleasing to me and me alone.
I went for a long ride today with people I like to spend my time with. Let's call them friends. I spent my New Year's Eve with these folks and had my first proper ride of the year with them too. That may be in some way meaningful and/or cosmic. I call it fun, it's shorter to say and easier to spell.
Firstly, we took on the man.....
Then we got lost and bewildered...
This seems to happen alot.
May your New Year deliver the goods, mine started well.
Catch you later...
I went for a long ride today with people I like to spend my time with. Let's call them friends. I spent my New Year's Eve with these folks and had my first proper ride of the year with them too. That may be in some way meaningful and/or cosmic. I call it fun, it's shorter to say and easier to spell.
Firstly, we took on the man.....
Then we got lost and bewildered...This seems to happen alot.
May your New Year deliver the goods, mine started well.
Catch you later...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I've been back on the bike for a few weeks now and a few things have changed for me. Strange and possibly stupid as it is to say, possibley untrue too, but I wonder if it was the accident I needed to have? In both good ways and bad I have to admit, it might have been. No one wants The Bad, of course, but if you learn from it it's not a wasted experience at least.
I ride much the same, but not quite the same. I find myself taking much greater stock of my environment and relying less on my Gardian Angel to see me through. As has been proven GA takes a nap once in a while and I end up in the back of a car! I often find myself berating me for my lack of focus on the road; "Stop looking at the pretty clouds, dumbarse!" and the like. I know that such thoughts are to my benefit so I'm not worried about that.
Sometimes though, I get a real fright that the bike doesn't have enough distance to stop, even when I have 10 meters. Or I find myself worrying about being rear ended, although that did nearly happen a few days back and only luck saved me so I can excuse that for now. It's little things that make me jumpy now and I'm a bit more "crash-shy" for want of a better word. I have another friend who is also riding again after an accident. In her case she was hit by some scum and they did a runner, just left her lying in the road. I have Opinions about that best left to another time. She was relating to a few of us recently how movement in the corner of her eye can really startle her when she's on the bike.
What I can self-analyse about it is that I went through a traumatic experience which neither my mind nor body wish to revisit; Hence the reactions. I can accept that for now but I need to be careful of the long term. I do not want and will not let something like my little off screw up my confident riding style or put me in future danger by reacting rather than controling my riding situations.
I've just reread what I wrote about the "accident I needed to have" and it sounds quite stupid. Like the recession we needed to have, aye? Bollocks! Big ones at that! What am I doing, trying to bullshit myself? But there is just a small kernel of truth in it, it was a sharp and focusing reminder that this little passion we share is not a fecking joke. You must take every ride seriously, even when you're not, still with me? It's great fun but it's not very safe at the best of times. It will get you killed or hurt if you feck up, lose focus or are even just unluckly. That's just the way it is.
In many ways it reminds me of my sailing days as a younger bloke in Tassie, racing off the coast. I'd be flying across the sea from one marker to the next loving life. Handling the jib and kite, swinging from the trapese. No one could touch me as we cut through the sea. But now and then a gust would just batter at you or you'd take a wave at the wrong angle and over you go. Then it was all about not drowning and getting untangled from the lines, swimming around the boat and getting it back upright, back into the race. What a rush, the thought of sharks made you move that bit quicker. Then you got back in the boat, grin at the Captain, get your shit together, and go dammit! I loved every second, upright and in the drink.
I feel exactly the same about riding. Sometimes you're up and flying, other times you're in the drink. It can be bitter sweet, but even to myself, I think of the times not riding as exactly that - Not Riding Times, waiting to get back up and fly.
I feel better for that. I'm going to make some dinner, drink some wine and wait to go flying again.
Catch you later...
I ride much the same, but not quite the same. I find myself taking much greater stock of my environment and relying less on my Gardian Angel to see me through. As has been proven GA takes a nap once in a while and I end up in the back of a car! I often find myself berating me for my lack of focus on the road; "Stop looking at the pretty clouds, dumbarse!" and the like. I know that such thoughts are to my benefit so I'm not worried about that.
Sometimes though, I get a real fright that the bike doesn't have enough distance to stop, even when I have 10 meters. Or I find myself worrying about being rear ended, although that did nearly happen a few days back and only luck saved me so I can excuse that for now. It's little things that make me jumpy now and I'm a bit more "crash-shy" for want of a better word. I have another friend who is also riding again after an accident. In her case she was hit by some scum and they did a runner, just left her lying in the road. I have Opinions about that best left to another time. She was relating to a few of us recently how movement in the corner of her eye can really startle her when she's on the bike.
What I can self-analyse about it is that I went through a traumatic experience which neither my mind nor body wish to revisit; Hence the reactions. I can accept that for now but I need to be careful of the long term. I do not want and will not let something like my little off screw up my confident riding style or put me in future danger by reacting rather than controling my riding situations.
I've just reread what I wrote about the "accident I needed to have" and it sounds quite stupid. Like the recession we needed to have, aye? Bollocks! Big ones at that! What am I doing, trying to bullshit myself? But there is just a small kernel of truth in it, it was a sharp and focusing reminder that this little passion we share is not a fecking joke. You must take every ride seriously, even when you're not, still with me? It's great fun but it's not very safe at the best of times. It will get you killed or hurt if you feck up, lose focus or are even just unluckly. That's just the way it is.
In many ways it reminds me of my sailing days as a younger bloke in Tassie, racing off the coast. I'd be flying across the sea from one marker to the next loving life. Handling the jib and kite, swinging from the trapese. No one could touch me as we cut through the sea. But now and then a gust would just batter at you or you'd take a wave at the wrong angle and over you go. Then it was all about not drowning and getting untangled from the lines, swimming around the boat and getting it back upright, back into the race. What a rush, the thought of sharks made you move that bit quicker. Then you got back in the boat, grin at the Captain, get your shit together, and go dammit! I loved every second, upright and in the drink.
I feel exactly the same about riding. Sometimes you're up and flying, other times you're in the drink. It can be bitter sweet, but even to myself, I think of the times not riding as exactly that - Not Riding Times, waiting to get back up and fly.
I feel better for that. I'm going to make some dinner, drink some wine and wait to go flying again.
Catch you later...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Finally...
The bike is back. The sun is shining. I'm riding again. All is right with the world. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
I forgot what a great bike I had, it feels great to ride it and sounds like aural sex each time I start her up. It looks better than ever and has been improved by a rather snazzy bike alarm, battery recharger and lockable Givi topbox I scored for $100. Yay for Me!
Mel has taken a renewed interest in me, that's the benefit of a bike boys, learn this lesson well. Of course, spending all Sunday replacing chain and sprockets, clutch cables and doing a brake service and pad replacement on her little gem hasn't hurt my cause one bit.
Here's me and Mark doing our manly duty, I'm the one in the overalls. Tres chic, non? The overalls make me look fat, I'm really very svelte....really.
Catch you later...
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Always look on the birght side of life..da,da..da,da..da,da!
I have a slew of thoughts birthed by my recent accident, trying to put them all down would be tediously long and no doubt very boring for anyone foolish enough to read them. Not to mention hopelessly self-indulgent and bordering on being a Nick Cave quality tragedy. So, I'm going to pick a couple of the important ones, to me that is.
Friends, be glad you have them. I made no effort to let anyone know about my misfortune, I was too embarrassed and frankly, depressed, to want to even mention it. But, the grapevine of local events saw that a few people found out anyway. As soon as they heard I had two friends on the phone making sure I was in one piece and to ask if I wanted their bikes to take to Phillip Island for my up coming holiday. That, ladies and gentlemen, is friendship. The loan of a mate's bike is no small matter to me and it made it clear that there were at least two people who, for whatever reason, held me in high enough regard to trust me with their machines even after me proving conclusively I couldn't be trusted with mine. Thanks blokes, I owe you both.
Bikes are great but life goes on. The world doesn't end, the sun still shines and my dog still needs a bath. It sucks I can't ride my beaut bike right now but it'll get fixed and I'll be back. What is important that I'm walking, talking and don't need bones set or surgery. My hip is still playing up 4 weeks after the event but that's ok with me, I got off lightly. I know of people who were going about their lives in their normal fashion at the beginning of this year and are now paralyzed from the waist down due to one moment of stupidity on a bike. Lucky? Fuck, I'm blessed! Perspective is a wonderful thing once you can step away and compare yourself to others. You wont catch me moaning my misfortune, because I really am a lucky bastard.
I said I'd mention a couple of thoughts but here's a third. Support. I needed it and I got it and it meant so much to me I can't thank the people enough. Mel was and is great. I called her from work and there was no question of her not coming right over from hers and making sure I got home safely. She then spent the next few days with me to make sure nothing worse than some mild shock set in. The first night I just rambled on and tried to get some demons out... fear, nervous excitement, anger, heady relief, sadness etc... and she put with it beautifully. She said later I was clearly suffering shock, I'm just glad she was there looking out for me.
Mum and Dad gave what support they could to their idiot child. Dad lives in Holland and Mum in Tassie so it was all verbal and all good. To quote Dad: "I don't give a shit about the bike as long as you are ok!" That's just what I needed to hear. Mum was in the same vein if with less swearing. They both just wanted to know I was ok and to let me know how much they cared, no mention of how much they fear for me riding and how happy they would be if I gave it up and bought a Volvo, just support. I love those two.
Well that's it for the moment. I needed to write that down and now I'll hopefully move on to other topics of my charmed life. I heard yesterday that the panels are off being spray painted and all the part are there. I dropped off a bike alarm I bought so it'll be coming back a little better than it was. Little silver linings to brighten my day...
I'll catch you later...
Friends, be glad you have them. I made no effort to let anyone know about my misfortune, I was too embarrassed and frankly, depressed, to want to even mention it. But, the grapevine of local events saw that a few people found out anyway. As soon as they heard I had two friends on the phone making sure I was in one piece and to ask if I wanted their bikes to take to Phillip Island for my up coming holiday. That, ladies and gentlemen, is friendship. The loan of a mate's bike is no small matter to me and it made it clear that there were at least two people who, for whatever reason, held me in high enough regard to trust me with their machines even after me proving conclusively I couldn't be trusted with mine. Thanks blokes, I owe you both.
Bikes are great but life goes on. The world doesn't end, the sun still shines and my dog still needs a bath. It sucks I can't ride my beaut bike right now but it'll get fixed and I'll be back. What is important that I'm walking, talking and don't need bones set or surgery. My hip is still playing up 4 weeks after the event but that's ok with me, I got off lightly. I know of people who were going about their lives in their normal fashion at the beginning of this year and are now paralyzed from the waist down due to one moment of stupidity on a bike. Lucky? Fuck, I'm blessed! Perspective is a wonderful thing once you can step away and compare yourself to others. You wont catch me moaning my misfortune, because I really am a lucky bastard.
I said I'd mention a couple of thoughts but here's a third. Support. I needed it and I got it and it meant so much to me I can't thank the people enough. Mel was and is great. I called her from work and there was no question of her not coming right over from hers and making sure I got home safely. She then spent the next few days with me to make sure nothing worse than some mild shock set in. The first night I just rambled on and tried to get some demons out... fear, nervous excitement, anger, heady relief, sadness etc... and she put with it beautifully. She said later I was clearly suffering shock, I'm just glad she was there looking out for me.
Mum and Dad gave what support they could to their idiot child. Dad lives in Holland and Mum in Tassie so it was all verbal and all good. To quote Dad: "I don't give a shit about the bike as long as you are ok!" That's just what I needed to hear. Mum was in the same vein if with less swearing. They both just wanted to know I was ok and to let me know how much they cared, no mention of how much they fear for me riding and how happy they would be if I gave it up and bought a Volvo, just support. I love those two.
Well that's it for the moment. I needed to write that down and now I'll hopefully move on to other topics of my charmed life. I heard yesterday that the panels are off being spray painted and all the part are there. I dropped off a bike alarm I bought so it'll be coming back a little better than it was. Little silver linings to brighten my day...
I'll catch you later...
Monday, October 24, 2005
Just when you think...
Life is like a box of chocolates...oh really? Since when does a box of chocolates contain a special dark blend of painful reminders of mortality and the after effects of an accident? Just a couple of weeks ago I got a sharp reminder that, against all previous beliefs, I'm not totally invincible and made of kevlar. I'm going to post a more thoughtful write up shortly, I learnt quite a few good things in the aftermath but right now I feel like a quick rant.
Frankly, I'm mega pissed off. It has to go down as one of the most stupid accidents I can think of (in a general sense at least) applying to me. My smug "it'll never happen to me, I'm way too experienced and aware on the bike" premise is in tattered shreds, rammed face first into the congrete road way of The Big Bad World, or just plain reality as we know it. I fucked up and now I get to live with it.
Briefly, there I was minding my own busines not quite nearly enough when Ms Average Driver in Mummy's car decides this piece of road is a great place to stop. And what was muggins here doing? Daydreaming of the fantastic week of holidays ahead and NOT LOOKING AT THE FRIGGING ROAD! Oh for the love of God, how dense can I be? Honestly? Pretty darn dense as it happens, thanks for asking.
So, I turn back just in time to begin the whole "oh shit!" process which turns quickly into "Ouch!" as my once lovely bike rams head first up her arse. The irony kills me, as that was where my head was in a personal sense milliseconds before. In some weird way I'm a blessed soul as I'm only still limping around on a banged up hip with few grazes to speak of. My bike, though cosmetically speaking is the bike equivalent to a smashed crab, is still structually in good nick and totally repairable.
This does not change the fact that I'm angry at myself most for losing that essential riding instinct for danger and just being simply plugged in to what is going on. At the time I just wasn't, I was days into the future enjoying all that the week held. Not in the here and now, keeping my arse in the saddle and my bike upright. You have no idea how much that shits me and how much simple fun it has now cost me, and let's not mention the insurance issues right now....
Dopey Girly was exactly that, dopey. But not evil or reckless or lining me up. She just did something rather stupid and I walked right into the middle of it, so to speak. So as I blame her poor judgement to stop for no clear reason so I judge my own lack of "switched-oneness" for want of a better term. I'm simply lucky that my lights weren't turned off permenantly.
I'll catch you later...
Frankly, I'm mega pissed off. It has to go down as one of the most stupid accidents I can think of (in a general sense at least) applying to me. My smug "it'll never happen to me, I'm way too experienced and aware on the bike" premise is in tattered shreds, rammed face first into the congrete road way of The Big Bad World, or just plain reality as we know it. I fucked up and now I get to live with it.
Briefly, there I was minding my own busines not quite nearly enough when Ms Average Driver in Mummy's car decides this piece of road is a great place to stop. And what was muggins here doing? Daydreaming of the fantastic week of holidays ahead and NOT LOOKING AT THE FRIGGING ROAD! Oh for the love of God, how dense can I be? Honestly? Pretty darn dense as it happens, thanks for asking.
So, I turn back just in time to begin the whole "oh shit!" process which turns quickly into "Ouch!" as my once lovely bike rams head first up her arse. The irony kills me, as that was where my head was in a personal sense milliseconds before. In some weird way I'm a blessed soul as I'm only still limping around on a banged up hip with few grazes to speak of. My bike, though cosmetically speaking is the bike equivalent to a smashed crab, is still structually in good nick and totally repairable.
This does not change the fact that I'm angry at myself most for losing that essential riding instinct for danger and just being simply plugged in to what is going on. At the time I just wasn't, I was days into the future enjoying all that the week held. Not in the here and now, keeping my arse in the saddle and my bike upright. You have no idea how much that shits me and how much simple fun it has now cost me, and let's not mention the insurance issues right now....
Dopey Girly was exactly that, dopey. But not evil or reckless or lining me up. She just did something rather stupid and I walked right into the middle of it, so to speak. So as I blame her poor judgement to stop for no clear reason so I judge my own lack of "switched-oneness" for want of a better term. I'm simply lucky that my lights weren't turned off permenantly.
I'll catch you later...
Friday, September 30, 2005
Pics of the Bike Expo Sept 2005
Bike Expo... like sex for your eyes.
You'd have to agree that this is with out doubt one of the most exciting photos taken in 2005. It's the car park directly outside Jeff's Shed.Note the intrinsic sense of action in this pic, the almost unbridled excitement. Nothing says "Action!" like a bunch of bikes parked next to each other. I needed a lie down and a calming ale after this one.VTR1000 Concept Bike
I clearly hadn't recovered enough. As soon as I tried to take the pic I started listing to one side, then fell over completely. It was peaceful laying on the floor. Just for some journalistic endevour, you should know that this is Honda's VTR1000 concept bike. It's just jam packed with wonderful feature like radial mounted brake disks, some super-duper front end thingy that does away with forks, a purty single sided swingarm and other stuff I can't remember and don't really care to report. Needless to say it's very pretty and would look cool as hell on the road but don't hold your breath. It's really just an engineer's moment of wank. Shame, as it's a very nice wank, but a wank nonetheless.
Hyosung Aquilia 650
This is a new cruiser from Hyosung using the flexible 650 V-twin. All reports I've read have been positive to a point but it seems that the brakes have a way to go before they catch up to Japanese quality. Apparently Harley wasn't too impressed with the design, as it borrows heavily in looks from the V-Rod VRSC models. From the other side you can see some Yamaha Warrior influences in the shape of the enormous exhaust. Size wise it looks like a good option for larger people especially in LAMS mode.Royal Enfield Cafe Racer
Royal Enfield would be the only mass produced motorcycle that still follows the designs and practices established 40 years ago. The parent business in England went broke years ago but the India based arm has been flourishing. They might still be making bikes from the 1950-60's but they're selling them to an appreciative market who like a bike that is robust and easy to fix by the side of the road with a hammer. This tasty morsel is the first cafe racer style from them I've seen and it looks quite trick. Unlike modern versions you can be sure that this would be as close to riding an original cafe racer as it gets, oil leaks and break downs included. Still, if I could afford to own one just for fun it would make it into my garage. That polished tank really looks cool and the seat actually looks comfortable.BMW Fatzen Bastard Uber Tourer
If I had to spend more on a bike than I would on a house, this might be the bike for me. Big, plush, full of wizz-bangery as standard. It even has a bidet. Although you can't see it from this angle, each bike comes with a German power lifting midget who jumps out of one of the panniers to help hold the bike up when stationary. Whole families have been killed when one of these panzers fell off the side stand and they weren't even in the same town. This is a bike for real men, as long as your definition of a real man includes lofers, chardonnay and bree on limited edition water crackers.Another German bike, Sachs Parts Bin Special
Pardon the shakey unfocused quality of this pic. I was so underwhelmed by this sorry example of German manufacturing that I just couldn't get it right. It was almost like the camera felt insulted to be capturing it's image and refused to focus or get the colours right. I think the engine comes from Suzuki or Yamaha. I really couldn't care less about this bike so I'm not even going to bother to check. It just screams "i'm so average and underdone it hurts, just look away". Why someone would go to all the trouble to build a piece of crap is beyond me but it's their money to blow I guess. This will not be gracing my garage anytime soon, or ever.Sachs scooter thingy
I get the feeling that this was where Sachs' development dollars went for this year. I'd be more likely to have this in the garage than it's bigger brother. I can only assume that they aimed it at the young-groover-who-is-too-young-and-poor-to-buy-something-with-intrinsic-"cool" market, hence the projector beam head lights, funky rear mono shock and urban scooter warrior look. For a scooter it doesn't suck, that's high praise coming from me.One is an Indian, one is not. Parts are hard to find.
They're really old, that's all I know. Actually, I know one other thing, whoever made them is now dead, they're that old. Note the lack of rear suspension. These babies were the prefered ride of eunuchs the world over. It should come as no suprise that owners of these bikes invariably had small families. Wives wishing to prevent further bundles of joy approved of these machines even if their men folk did not. It's no wonder that riding took a while to take off when you look at these two examples of self-harming heaven.Who is that masked spunk?
That's all the women (and possibly a few men, we are an understanding society down south you know) were asking themselves as your truely took a Buell for a test ride. I'm the dashing gentleman in the middle of the shot in the fetching orange saftey vest. Simply wearing said vest increased my crash protection by 10,000%. I'll be buying one soon. I also hear there is a "bedroom" version that prevents pregnancy and STDs. I suspect it is because the partner you are trying to make sweet love to is laughing too hard at you to get romantic.Well sports fans, that's it for the moment. I might post up a few more later once my PC gets back to broadband speed. Trying to load anything on dial up speed is just annoying and crashes alot. Hope you like the shots, or you've just wasted five minutes of your life and there is no refund.
Catch you later...
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